Monday, October 21, 2013

The Day My Whole World Changed

I think now I must have sounded really naive, or ignorant, or plain stupid before I had a baby.

I didn't think having a baby would change my world that much. (Parents out there, you laughing at me yet? You should be ) 

Besides the usual nesting nerves - as most of mine were related to the fact that we were in the process of buying a short-sale, I felt somewhat prepared. I'd read lots of books and blogs. And I was a teenager when my brother was born, so I had lots of diapering/bathing/swaddling/burping experience. I had a preconceived notion of what it would be like and said all the classic "I'll never do <blah blah> when I have kids..." sayings that probably made me totally obnoxious to my friends with kids. Sure, I wanted a baby, but I was not a "baby person" drooling and goo-ing over random babies in the grocery store. I was crazy passionate for my husband, my animals, my hobbies; I was sure I'd be just as passionate about my baby and we'd make it work balancing it all out. I was mostly nervous about breastfeeding and whether or not our pending house purchase would close - but having an actual baby in my life? Bring it on!

Man, did I have no idea. NO. IDEA. 

The moment I saw my little girl for the first time, and held her in my arms, my entire world freaking exploded and turned upside down and just continued to do so over the new few weeks.

You know the scene where the Grinch's heart grows 3 times bigger when he realized the meaning of Christmas? That was me and motherhood. Except my heart exploded out of my body and was now in my arms, a living breathing thing wrapped in a pink blanket.

I just had no idea what it would be like to feel so much love. So much love and wonder and excitement. And fear! And an overwhelming fear that you don't want to do a single thing wrong in caring for this precious person and you don't want to screw them up in any way possible. Every fiber in your being only cares about protecting and nurturing this little miracle and at the same time you're just mesmerized by the beauty and love. My husband and I just held her crying the first day just in disbelief that we could be so lucky.

Its just a giddy, crazy, joy that is insane and indescribable and makes me want to spew superlatives all over this blog.  I wasn't prepared for those feelings at all.

(And I've probably lost any readers who were like the me before "not into babies! gag!" but the main reason I wanted to blog is to share my unexpected joy of being a mom and all the conundrums that come with it.)

About a week of having her home, my hubby and I were still tearing up over how much we loved her, both of us kept saying, "we didn't know it would be like this!" And my mom said, "Well for heaven's sake. What did you think it would be like?" I said," I don't know, I knew I'd love her but I didn't think I'd be like a total baby-obsessed-mom-zombie. I said I wasn't going to turn into one, but I have! And you know, what I don't care. I love her so much!" She just laughed and said "I told you so!" (oh wise moms out there...trying to tell me what it'd be like.)

I can see now why people say its the best day of their lives. It is. I might have been somewhat prepared for the baby, but I was not prepared for what it feels like to be a mom. It is staggering and the true definition of awesome.

My litte slice of awesomeness was born January 24th. We named her Alora Danielle.

My little Allie-Banana

I'm so thankful and so excited to be on this journey of being a mom. So much that I wanted to write a blog and share my crazy enthusiasm about babies and motherhood (and my other interests as well), and hopefully find others who might be able to handle this much sappy mom-zombie-ness. ;)

(Still) tired and bleary but so happy ~
K.



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