Friday, January 10, 2014

New Year's Resolutions aka Screw perfection. Life is short.

My resolutions this year:

I'm late in blogging my new year resolutions because things have been a little crazy and their have been some upheavals in life. Busy with some fun stuff like taking newborn photos for a friend and planning out the details for Allie's first birthday. Busy at home with some not-so-fun stuff like constant car troubles and recovering from the holiday mess. And busier with lots happening at work and with some heartache seeping into life that has shaped my resolutions this year.

Normally I resolve to do the same things pretty much every year - get organized! eat healthier! exercise more! drink 8 glasses of water!

This year I'm going a different direction and trying to make even more of an overall attitude/outlook change.

Brace yourself for some major unloading now...a little nervous to delve into this (probably scaring away the one anonymous reader I have).

I hadn't really wanted to blog about some of the sadness that's been touching my life lately - this is supposed to be my lighthearted silly-mom-artsy blog after all - but it feels artificial to not even briefly acknowledge that there has been some heartache in my world lately that have gotten me thinking a lot.

We've had three deaths in my office over the past months - two right after Christmas - and its shaken my world a bit. Two were wives of men I work with - beloved, respected, wonderful women and mothers and role models in their community. I'm not close to them, but it hurt my heart to see what their families have been going through and my stomach aches for the children they leave behind. The women weren't old or infirm, in their late 40's/early 50's - they leave behind teenagers and young adults - and as a mother I can't even wrap my mind around it. Its so unfair and so freaking sad and leaves me scared thinking about my own baby daughter.

Then the third death was really unexpected that I found about soon after my last blog post - a colleague I was close with and considered a friend. Not only did I enjoy working with her immensely, she was a leader and advisor to me in a career sense, she was also an exceptionally caring, kind, generous friend. We weren't "hang out on the weekend besties" - not enough in common to be besties, she was older, single, different stages of life - but enough in common where I trusted her and valued her opinion, enjoyed her sense of humor, shared with her a passion for animals, books and home decorating.  She was enthusiastic and supportive as I was pregnant and showered me and my baby with gifts. Just a wonderful person. She ended up moving to one of our different offices a few months ago and I'd been missing seeing her everyday. So we when got the news it was a real shock. Its been additionally hard to process that she's actually gone. Its been very sad to think that this world is devoid of someone so bright and giving and kind. And then to see my other friends at work grieving for her too - its just been very hard lately.

All of these deaths have shaken me and made me realize just how precious and short life can be. I know that sounds cheesy but I've had such a jarring epiphany and just been slapped in the face by this. It feels like we have all the time in the world but the truth is we never know what the future holds. We never know how long we have. These women left behind children and spouses and plans and a home full of personal treasures and lists of to-do's I'm sure.

It makes me questions what do I want to leave behind for my daughter? If I were gone tomorrow, how would my family feel?

I would leave behind love and memories of course. But so much of my life is like things waiting on the side.... "when we have more money" or "when I am <this> I will do <this>". Uncompleted projects and art and unexperienced memories because I don't have everything "perfect".

"I'll splurge for family photos after I lose weight" or "I'll have the fun party after we get the house decorated better" or "I'll get back to painting after I get the art room cleaned up" or "I'll save this fancy perfume for a special occasion" or "blog about that when I have it looking better".

I'm struck with the realization that if I keep on like this - waiting for tomorrows or certain conditions - I will have missed out on a lot of just wonderful things in the now. That's a pretty deep realization to have and its honestly knocked some wind out of me and energized me to make resolutions I actually really want to care about.

SO my major change in outlook: I'm done with conditions and limits. I'm done with planning and waiting and I'm ready to actually just DO IT and ENJOY LIFE NOW. I'm done with perfection.

Today is the special occasion. Because its a day I get to be a mom to a wonderful little girl and be with the people I love and be able to do the things I want to do and talk about the fun things I want to talk about and be in a body that can move and dance and create.

So I'm not going to antagonize myself by measuring glasses of water or labeling myself as a failure for not exercising 3x a week (I have a kid that doesn't sleep, I'm friggin tired, I'll consider it a win if I shower and eat an apple) or feel bad for cuddling with my hubby watching a movie instead of organizing our tax file.

I'm going to celebrate my life and family and nurture myself and love and have fun (and screw perfection). I'm going to make mistakes and just enjoy being in the now.

So that's my plan. Those are my resolutions.

I want to do all that. I plan to do all that. I AM going to do just do that. (Although I initially did have the word nurture spelled wrong in the above graphic. ha ha. I will let go of perfection - but spelling I must try to do my best always ;))
So....look forward to more blog posts with crazy, chaotic life in the background. More mom posts keeping it real, and art projects with mistakes and flaws totally apparent, and my screwy half finished DIY projects up and about.
And may this next year bring happiness and peace and health to all that I know and love.
So even though you got off to a shitty, sad start 2014.....I hope this is the year I learn to let go and just enjoy every moment. (Cue Tim McGraw "Live like you were dying" song. And hand me the Kleenex.)
Happy 2014....let's be the best year yet!

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